We vowed our loves and pledged it in front of everyone we know in a holy matrimony back in those days, but along the way little did we know somehow everything perished. How we asked each other who is on our mind each and every day I never felt the pleasuring sensation anymore. How we can talk to each other forgetting about time and everything…
…where have the old days gone to?
We moved to a house after our marriage, happiness is in the air as both of us stepped inside the dark-colored wooden door that night, knowing we moved onto a greater stage in life. Perhaps we were quite childish by the time to not understand that as we grow nearer to each other, every secret and lies become visible easier. Every time problem came we know nothing good will come out of becoming angry and backed ourselves off in silence. We know both of us are fragile in heart, so we never were brave enough to crush the thin barricade our hearts have built by fussing over every problems.
In the end, we closed our lips and let our body phrase what we had in mind. His hard-built back and my unmoving lips somehow made us aware of a thing we have in each others mind; we had lost the initial desire we had for each other.
We are in a long moment of silence, we never moved our lips but somehow I think I know what he had in mind by seeing ourselves now. He drove forward with his head hanging in touch with the surface of his right hand, his eyes he held to see straight in front of him without ever looking to another direction. An old rock ballad even back in those days he sets to play on the CD player, a nice tune I remembered was played over and over back then. He usually plays it when he is in the mood to hear it, not having any problems with anyone who thinks he is outdated. He never went with the flow, I would say.
I noticed on his forehead another wrinkle came out during these past days, perhaps on my face elsewhere I had the same symptom. We are growing old, everyone would say. Our hair slowly changing its color to white as well, I don’t know about him, but somehow I noticed our time weren’t long anymore. Perhaps a few years to count, some anniversary to celebrate without us having pleasure in it, perhaps I am sure of it.
Why was I enticed with him, I never knew for sure, but perhaps his eccentric attitude and his ability to make me laugh whenever we are with each other. As for him, I am never sure as well. Why would he say he loved me? The curiosity is never fulfilled with a satisfying answer. Even during the old days, he would always avoid saying it by chanting the tune to the song now played. He said he never meant it as him not loving me anymore, though, he always tried to express it in a more physical way.
He loved being physical, but never more than a kiss every now and then, yet at the same time he never forget about how I need it to be more spiritual. We would talk, when I am not in the mood for it he never asked anymore until I said we could. It took me not long to give off a nod, of course. After all, it was all back in the old days, where we were happy just being with each other.
We never were ourselves back then after our marriage, I think.
We drove forward facing no obstacle on our ways as the scenery becomes remote in every directions. The hustle and bustle of big cities’ night life slowly turns to suburban’s bedtime and finally we are in a long road within a forest. Misty and dark as it is, he doesn’t say anything but lighting the car headlights.
The song ended and switched to another classic rock tunes sung by Skid Row entitled ‘I Remember You’. Somewhere along the time we had, he said to me how this song never is the best of their work, but made it to one of his play list. Does he even remember saying that to me? I am not sure as he doesn’t even move a bit. The song then changed to Tesla’s ‘Love Song’. He said once, the song is rather normal, it never meant anything to him, but he loved how the guitar intro caught the simplicity of love he defined himself.
As I had predicted before, he lifts his head which once is rested on his right hand and let the hand clicked the ‘next’ button on the music player after the vocal starts his duty to sing the song once again.
“Would you want to hear another song?” he asked with no tone to his words.
The song now played is ‘Carrie’ by Europe.
“This is fine,” I said with the same kind of unspirited voice.
It caught me by surprise that he remembered this song. Once I had made a joke on how this song never did portray me in it and I demand him to never play it anymore. He loved it, I knew as he always sings along on the climax of the song, at least to him. We fought for a bit before I said it was all a joke, and after that one time he always asks me the question whenever the song comes to air.
Seeing it now, was it all just a simple joke or another one of my mischief to know how much he loved me? I don’t know anymore, my memories had all gone blurry with the passing of times.
‘Forever’ by Kiss, my favorite in his play list.
Seeing his firm face now would never show how once a pessimistic teenager he is, how he is just another kid who tried to have a warm felt attention from someone he would think special. He showed that side of him to me back then, perhaps one of my reasons to fall for him. He imagined himself as a cat sometimes, and I thought so as well at times when he would ever be so sweet to me. Sure we had some rough times even back then, but those were all in good fun, in our own ways to seek attention from each other. Has that reason ever changed? Even by now I know that kind of rough times are the universal language to seek for attention.
Perhaps, we had lost that kind of reasoning. Perhaps, after our marriage we were too afraid to hurt each other to start any of that kind of language. To become adult is like that, too tired to do anything any spirited teenager rushes out to do. Our imaginations stopped and we were to busy just to keep our relation stable. But, have we ever been happy doing that thing?
Somehow, I cried deep inside myself how I want to go back to those days, when we were just another simple teenager in the whole wide world trying to express our love in our own way. Being adult is a burden, I thought to myself.
“Why are you crying?”
I lifted up my head to understand that the car has finally stopped. What in front of me is the end of the region I lived in, a cliff before the huge sea scenery in the dusk. Seagulls squawked to each other to mention how another new day is going to start and another stomach full of fish they need to catch to fulfill their needs.
He is already in front of the car, sitting on the front hood. I wiped my teary eyes and went out to sit beside him.
“Do you remember?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“Our first anniversary.”
“We still had our smiles back in those days.”
“Where had the old days gone to?”
He stopped his words, only to say again another sentence.
“Are you happy these past years?”
“Perhaps I am, perhaps I am not.”
“I am as well, I can’t find a word to say for it.”
He offered me a can of coffee to warm my body, and one to himself as well.
“How many years has it been? Thirty years?”
“Thirty one,” he answered, “today is the day.”
In my own surprise, he remembered it. Usually it would be me to say it to him to reminisce, but now it seems he is the one who remembered before me.
“I had quit my work, I am on pension now,” he said again, “somehow I remembered how happy we were before our marriage, how we would asked each other on who we loved during the time, and how we can pass time lengthily without knowing.”
“What of it?”
“I think, I want us to go back to those days.”
“Yes,” he said, “if only we could.”
“Are you trying to joke with me?”
“I am not.”
“How about,” I sobbed, “we start over?”
He doesn’t say anything, he gulped down his coffee and told me to go back in the car as we have to go back before people wake up from their slumber. He kept to his silence, rather he talked to me through his hard-built back I have known for long now, which seems to say, “What I had in mind.”
His face he faced back to me again, a smile almost not visible he curved on his lips. I replied with yet another smile. A bitter smile which seems to say that we have been foolish all these times to never try to understand each other before this.
Somehow in the end of our travel, we would go back to the family we had. Perhaps we would be back to our silence, perhaps some small talks to pass time. We would show our exhaustion with the expression on our face every time we spend time with our kids on every weekend and went back to bed trying to be faster than each other. Even then, sometimes we would reminisce today every now and then.
The car drove forward in silence, only a stable sound of it thrusting forward can be heard all along the way. But, somehow I think I can be happy now with it being like this from now on. Perhaps we are back in those days already, but without the universal language we once had. Perhaps, our love had transcended to proceed to another level, where it can be expressed even only with his hard-built back and my lips occasionally showing a little smile every now and then. I don’t know about him, but I sure am. I think, we are back in those days already.
